


The Bachelor

by black_dranzer_1119



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post Reichenbach, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_dranzer_1119/pseuds/black_dranzer_1119
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sherlock's apparent suicide, John is forced to find out just how much he depended on having Sherlock in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Since I am using this site even more that fanfiction.net lately, I thought I would transfer another story over. I also may have just re-watched the sixth episode. With this story I was trying to channel the Mary Morstan from the movies a bit, so I hope I did her justice. Anyway, enjoy! I hope.

**Personal Blog of Dr. John H. Watson**

**7 th July**

**Goodbye**

I know this is long overdue; however, this will be my final post. I am so sorry. I should have seen… I don’t know. Something. I failed my best friend when he needed me and for that I can’t forgive myself. I don’t know what I will do now. What is John Watson without Sherlock Holmes anyway?

 

****Comments disabled****

*******

*****The Bachelor has logged on*****

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Good morning John. Did you sleep well? (10:41AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** Good morning Mrs Hudson. I did, thankyou. (10:43AM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** No, you didn’t, but it’s nice to know you know I worry about my boys still. (10:44AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** Thankyou. (10:45AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** Do you want to go out for coffee today? (10:47AM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** I was actually thinking about staying home and watching some telly, but I suppose you’re not quite ready for that are you? (10:50AM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Alright then, but John, when do you think you will be coming home? It’s been so quiet here on my own. (10:52AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** I don’t know. (10:55AM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** The place around the corner then? (10:56AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** Ok (10:56AM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Say hello to your sister for me. (10:57AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** I will (10:58AM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Thankyou John. I will see you in twenty minutes. (11:00AM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** You’re welcome Mrs Hudson. See you then. (11:01AM, 12 July)

*****This is Mrs Hudson has logged off*****

*****The Bachelor has logged off*****

*******

*****This is Mrs Hudson has logged on*****

**The Bachelor says:** You know Mrs Hudson; you really aren’t as subtle as you think you are. (7:34PM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** I have no idea what you are talking about John. (7:35PM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** I am talking about Mary, Mrs Hudson. (7:36PM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Oh, Mary, she was lovely wasn’t she? (7:37PM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** Well, yes she was, but… (7:39PM, 12 July)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** And I haven’t seen you smile like that since Sherlock. (7:41PM, 12 July)

**The Bachelor says:** Goodnight Mrs Hudson. (7:41PM, 12 July)

*****The Bachelor has logged off*****

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Please come home

 

Dear Sherlock,

To be honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this. I used to hate how you would always borrow my laptop when you were too lazy to use your own and your complete lack of any concept of privacy, but I would give anything for you to do it now. To know that somewhere, somehow you are reading this, if only to tell you how sorry I am. You were my best friend in the world and I let you down…

Damn it, I wasn’t meant to be telling you that. I was meant to be telling you about my day and what I have been up to, but it just seems so trivial and pointless. You’d probably think the same if you bothered to listen.

I smiled today. I met this woman named Mary Morstan and I smiled and I haven’t stopped feeling guilty since then. We are going out for coffee again tomorrow.

I never thought I would miss hearing the violin at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Yours sincerely,

John Watson

**_***_ ** **_Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder_ ** **_***_ **

*******

*****Mary has logged on*****

**Mary says:** Hello John (5:23PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Hello Mary (5:24PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Did you have a good day? (5:24PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** Yes I did, thankyou. The flowers were lovely. (5:25PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** The least I could do since you have been so good as to put up with me. I know I haven’t been the most cheerful person. (5:27PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** You lost your dearest friend. It would be wrong of me to expect anything else. (5:28PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it. (5:29PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** Well thankyou. (5:29PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** I am wondering about something though… (5:30PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Yes? (5:31PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** Why do you still call yourself ‘the bachelor’? (5:31PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Oh, that. It was a joke I guess. Because that was the nickname the newspapers gave me. (5:33PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** You mean you don’t know? (5:36PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** I guess not. (5:40PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** So are we still on for dinner tomorrow night? (5:44PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Yes, absolutely. What time were you thinking? (5:45PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** Is 7 o’clock fine with you? (5:46PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Sounds good. I will book us a table then. (5:47PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** Well I better go; I still have some grading left to do. (5:48PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** I guess winning teacher of the year for the fifth year in a row would require you to do some work. (5:50PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** I have just been extremely lucky, all my students are angels. (5:52PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** So you say. I still think it’s because they have an amazing teacher. (5:53PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** You really are too good to me. (5:54PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Impossible. (5:54PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** All my friends are jealous. I think half of them are planning to try and steal you from me. (5:55PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Now that is impossible. (5:56PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** It had better be. (5:57PM, 18 Aug)

**Mary says:** Goodnight John (5:58PM, 18 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Goodnight Mary (5:58PM, 18 Aug)

*****Mary has logged off*****

*****The Bachelor has logged off*****

*******

*****The Bachelor has logged on*****

**The Bachelor says:** You really weren’t joking were you? (8:58PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** I told you, you’re amazing. (8:59PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** To be fair you are the only girlfriend I’ve ever had that’s thought so. (9:01PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** They’re crazy; you’re wonderful (9:02PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** It wasn’t really their fault. I mean I did spend a lot of time with my flatmate; he really is a lazy sod. (9:04PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** What happened to him? Did he move out? (9:05PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Oh… I’m sorry. (9:09PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** I should go. (9:11PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** No, wait. (9:11PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** I’m sorry; I really stuck my foot in didn’t I? (9:12PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Can we talk about something else? I really like you and I get the feeling that if you go now I won’t see you again. (9:14PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** What do you want to talk about then? (9:15PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Cheese (9:17PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Cheese? (9:18PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** It’s nutritious and delicious and I have two tickets to a tasting and I don’t know what to do with the second. All my friends are on diets. (9:20PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** How did you get tickets to one of those? (9:21PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** It was for a charity raffle. I never actually thought I’d win. (9:22PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Ok then. (9:24PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Thankyou. I would feel so odd going on my own. (9:25PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Are we still on for dinner tomorrow? (9:26PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** I guess so. (9:27PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Ok, I will tell you more then (9:28PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Yeah, it’s almost time for that show I watch with Mrs Hudson. She gets so annoyed when I miss it. (9:29PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** When I say I watch it with her, I mean she calls me when it’s on and spends the whole time talking about it. I never hear a word of it. (9:30PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Sounds fun. (9:30PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** More entertaining than the actual show is in any case. (9:31PM, 30 Aug)

**Mary says:** Goodnight then. (9:32PM, 30 Aug)

**The Bachelor says:** Goodnight. (9:33PM, 30 Aug)

 

*****The Bachelor has logged off*****

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Mary

 

Dear Sherlock,

I am determined to talk about Mary today and I don’t care how boring you think that is. Ok, Mary. Well first I have to say she is lovely. She isn’t extraordinary, but she is pretty and smart. Ok, she isn’t as smart as you, but then again no one ever is. She’s patient and kind and funny. She is pretty much perfect and she doesn’t mind when I’m quiet. In fact she says she’s glad for it. Apparently she lost her father when she was young and never really got over it and I…

 

**_***_ ** **_Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder_ ** **_***_ **

*******

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Draft saved:** 12:32AM, 2 September 2011

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**_***Continue composing this message*** Delete***_ **

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Mary

 

Dear Sherlock,

I am determined to talk about Mary today and I don’t care how boring you think that is. Ok, Mary. Well first I have to say she is lovely. She isn’t extraordinary, but she is pretty and smart. Ok, she isn’t as smart as you, but then again no one ever is. She’s patient and kind and funny. She is pretty much perfect and she doesn’t mind when I’m quiet. In fact she says she’s glad for it. Apparently she lost her father when she was young and never really got over it and I…

I miss you. That’s all there is to it. I miss you so much and it’s not getting better. You are still gone and it still hurts and I refuse to go back to that rock in the ground. To read the lie that you won’t ever be coming back. I still don’t know who I am without you. You gave my life so much meaning.

Still wishing for my miracle,

Yours very sincerely,

John Watson

**_***_ ** **_Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder_ ** **_***_ **

*******

*****The Bachelor has logged on*****

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Good evening John (8:45PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** Hello Mrs Hudson (8:46PM, 20 Dec)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** How have you been? (8:46PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** Fine. I’ve been fine. (8:47PM, 20 Dec)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** No you’re not. It’s nearly Christmas. (8:48PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** No I’m not, am I? (8:49PM, 20 Dec)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** There really isn’t anyone like him is there? (8:50PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** No, and I don’t think I want there to be. (8:51PM, 20 Dec)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** It won’t be the same without him, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still celebrate (8:54PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** You’re right. It will be quiet though. (8:56PM, 20 Dec)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** It will be lovely to see Harry again. She really is doing well isn’t she? (8:58PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** Yes she is. (8:59PM, 20 Dec)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Ok then. Give my best to Harry and Mary and I will see you at Christmas (9:00PM, 20 Dec)

**The Bachelor says:** Take care Mrs Hudson (9:01PM, 20 Dec)

 

*****This is Mrs Hudson has logged off*****

*****The Bachelor has logged off*****

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Christmas

 

Dear Sherlock,

I spent Christmas with Harry, Mary and Mrs Hudson and it was quiet. Mary bought me a CD of violin music, but it was just a dull echo of the vibrancy that you manage to weave into your own. The violin in your hands is better than anything at showing how you’re feeling and don’t you try and deny it. I would even prefer listening to that awful cat screech you play when you’re annoyed than listen to someone else for one second.

That’s your plan isn’t it?

To make me miss you so much that when you come home I will be so thrilled at seeing you that you are free to do whatever you want without me or Mrs Hudson complaining. Well I don’t call you a genius for nothing so if you would be so kind as to come home now and be our Christmas miracle? It would be much appreciated.

Yours very sincerely,

John Watson

 

******* **Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder** *******

*******

*****This is Mrs Hudson has logged on*****

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Good morning John, or should I say, ‘Happy New Year’ (8:37AM, 1 Jan)

**The Bachelor says:** Happy New Year Mrs Hudson (8:38AM, 1 Jan)

**The Bachelor says:** Mrs Hudson, I was wondering if I could come by today? (8:40AM, 1 Jan)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** You know you’re always welcome here John. It is your home after all. (8:42AM, 1 Jan)

**The Bachelor says:** Thankyou Mrs Hudson, I very much appreciate that. I will be over soon. (8:43AM, 1 Jan)

**This is Mrs Hudson says:** Ok then. I will put the kettle on. (8:44AM, 1 Jan)

 

*****The Bachelor has logged off*****

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** At home again

 

Dear Sherlock,

I was talking to Harry and she asked me if I would find a place of my own again. Apparently as much as she likes having me there and as helpful as I have been in helping her to stay clean, she needs some space of her own and so with that in mind I have now returned to 221B Baker Street. I would like to say this will be just a temporary thing, that I will stay until I find something better, but Mrs Hudson is so happy for me to be back and it is such a relief to be able to talk to someone who knew you like I did, who still misses you, that I haven’t actually been looking too hard for a new place. Mary doesn’t mind at least, as she loves spending time with Mrs Hudson.

It’s too quiet.

Yours very sincerely,

John Watson

 

******* **Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder** *******

*******

*****Mary has logged on*****

**Mary says:** Good afternoon John (4:12PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** Hello Mary (4:13PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** Thankyou for inviting me over for lunch today, it was nice. (4:14PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** Yes it was. You really have won over Mrs Hudson, haven’t you? (4:16PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** Whatever do you mean? (4:16PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** I mean she would have you here all the time if she could manage it. (4:17PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** She is such a dear, isn’t she. (4:18PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** I don’t know how she managed to put up with us for so long (4:19PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** Me and my flatmate, I mean (4:20PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** Sounds like you have a lot of interesting stories. (4:21PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** Believe me I do. I used to keep a blog about it and practically everyone used to read it. (4:22PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** That’s how I got my nickname (4:22PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** Sounds like I will have to look up this blog of yours. (4:23PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** Could you not, please? I’m still not ready to discuss it, not really. (4:25PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** I promise. Besides if I wait then maybe you can tell me about them in person. (4:26PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** Maybe… (4:29PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** Ok, well I have a dentist appointment so I best be going. Tell Mrs Hudson I want her caramel slice recipe. (4:31PM, 5 May)

**The Bachelor says:** I will, though you will probably have more luck if you ask when you come over on Friday. Good luck with the dentist. (4:34PM, 5 May)

**Mary says:** Thankyou, see you Friday. Love you. (4:35PM, 5 May)

 

*****Mary has logged off*****

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** One Year

 

Dear Sherlock,

I can’t believe you have been out of my life for one year already. It seems too impossible. I received a card from Molly and an email from Lestrade today, but I haven’t looked at either one. Mary asked about you a month ago. She was curious as to when you… left. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She is truly a Godsend. Maybe she’s my compensation for not getting my other miracle. I still haven’t gone back you know. Because I know that when I do I won’t be able to stop and Mary will leave and she is all that’s holding me together at this point.

I saw my therapist a month after you left and I lied to her.

I told her you were gone and I will never be able to believe that.

I

You’re really gone aren’t you?

Fuck

 

******* **Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder** *******

*******

**To: Mary Morstan** <+***********>

Could you please come over?

(10:40AM, 16 June)

 

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Didn’t help

 

Dear Sherlock,

You’d think that me finally telling Mary about you, about how I last saw you, about the wonderful disaster you made of my life, the fact that you managed to be arrogant and superior even while standing in BuckinghamPalace in nothing but a sheet that was only barely covering you. You would think that I would have finally accepted you’re gone. You would think that now that I have been living at Baker Street again for nearly six months that it would stop feeling like I’m living with a ghost and that’s ridiculous because that would mean your dead and now I’m being ridiculous because of course you’re dead. You are dead, ok. I stood there while you passed on your final message and then I saw you die. You died. You’re dead. You’re deceased. You kicked the bucket. You have both feet in the grave that I absolutely refuse to visit. You are gone. I won’t wake up at 3AM because you are playing the violin and can’t sleep. I won’t get kidnapped by your brother because he has decided that he can’t possibly tell you anything and I have to tell you instead. I don’t have to leave in the middle of dates because you want me to pass you the laptop that’s on the other side of the room. I am currently in my longest romantic relationship ever (Mary, eleven months). I don’t have to apologise for cancelling appointments because you are in the middle of a case or because you’re being a dick to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I don’t have to count the hours since you last ate/drank/slept…

…and it turns out that you not being in my life is driving me more insane than you ever did whilst in it. I never told you this, but I have had the exact same dream since you… since you died, ok. You are on the roof and I try to do something, anything or I do nothing as I listen to you cry and fuck Sherlock you were crying and then you fall and no matter what I do I can’t stop you and I can’t save you. I was meant to save you. That’s how it works right? Your drive me insane and I keep you from doing stupid things and killing yourself. Like forgetting to eat or building a bomb in the bathroom. I should have saved you and I don’t care if it was impossible. You were the definition of impossible and that never stopped you…

Please do the impossible again,

Yours forever,

John Watson

******* **Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder** *******

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Hi again

 

Dear Sherlock,

I really can’t help myself, can I? Well it’s been two months since I last wrote and… You know how I said that I had been dating Mary for a while… No of course you don’t. You would consider it a waste of space and delete it. Anyway that’s not the point, (See it’s all about you even when you’re not here to make sure of it), the point is that Mrs Hudson asked me today if I think I will marry Mary and I froze and I don’t know why. Despite being called a ‘confirmed bachelor’, I do try to date people with a permanent relationship in mind, but now that I have one that’s relatively healthy and stable, my mind keeps telling me that it’s wrong. That you should be here controlling my life.

******* **Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder** *******

 

*******

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(1:40AM, 1 Oct)

You really did care, didn’t you?

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(1:41AM, 1 Oct)

What everyone else thought, I mean.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(2:00AM, 1 Oct)

Why wasn’t I enough? I didn’t doubt you; you know that.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(2:07AM, 1 Oct)

You could have talked to me, you know? I mean I was right there.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(2:15AM, 1 Oct)

Please just come home now and I will pretend that me hearing ‘punch me in the face’ is just subtext’.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(2:16AM, 1 Oct)

I may have to hug you, though.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(2:17AM, 1 Oct)

Just thought I should warn you, for you know, when you decide to stop playing dead.

 

 

**_***_ **

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Draft saved:** 12:27AM, 12 Oct 2011

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**_***Continue composing this message*** Delete***_ **

 

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** Hi again

 

Dear Sherlock,

I really can’t help myself, can I? Well it’s been two months since I last wrote you an email (at least) and… You know how I said that I had been dating Mary for a while… No of course you don’t. You would consider it a waste of space and delete it. Anyway that’s not the point, (See it’s all about you even when you’re not here to make sure of it), the point is that Mrs Hudson asked me today if I think I will marry Mary and I froze and I don’t know why. Despite being called a ‘confirmed bachelor’, I do try to date people with a permanent relationship in mind, but now that I have one that’s relatively healthy and stable, my mind keeps telling me that it’s wrong. That you should be here controlling my life.

You always did… You did…

*******

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(4:58AM, 12 Oct)

If you died for me I will never forgive you.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(5:00AM, 12 Oct)

Answer me damn you

 

*******

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Subject:** No life is worth yours

 

Dear Sherlock,

I really am the idiot you accuse me of being, aren’t I? All this time I was wondering if I wasn’t enough, or if I somehow failed you, but that wasn’t it at all. I was enough wasn’t I? I was enough for you to give up your life. That’s why you didn’t come with me to see Mrs Hudson. It wasn’t because you didn’t want to, you couldn’t. I was so wrapped up in missing you that I didn’t even think about why you wouldn’t be there.

The day I met you I killed for you.

That day you died for me, for your friends.

Moriarty was on that roof with you wasn’t he?

He was on that roof that day and neither of you made it off alive, not really. I borrowed your luminol to test the roof. I guess who ever cleaned it didn’t think anyone would look any closer.

Moriarty was planning to have me, Mrs Hudson and Greg killed if you didn’t do it. Three assassins, three of us; but you managed to outwit him somehow, probably found a way to stop him by getting him to call off the assassins, so he shot himself before you could. Then you with your beautiful brain couldn’t think of a way to stop them and so you

 

******* **Your message has been saved in the Drafts folder** *******

 

*******

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(3:14AM, 4 Dec)

Every time I write you a text or an email, I tell myself that this will be the last time and it’s not.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(3:29AM, 4 Dec)

I haven’t seen my therapist in about 19 months. I know what she will say as I have been telling myself that for close to 20.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(3:48AM, 4 Dec)

You’re gone and you are never coming back no matter how many wishes I make. No matter how good I am. Nothing I ever do will ever be good enough to have made you stay on that roof.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(4:05AM, 4 Dec)

I hate you.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(4:33AM, 4 Dec)

No, I don’t, but I needed to try it. I hate me and miss you.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(4:56AM, 4 Dec)

Part of me has always wanted to say that I would trade your life for mine in a heart beat, but that wouldn’t be fair to you. If I’m right and you gave your life for me and our friends then I guess all I can do is never forget you.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(5:03AM, 4 Dec)

If you haven’t noticed I have practically turned that into an art form.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(2:23AM, 6 Dec)

19 days till Christmas. I miss you Sherlock.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(1:33AM, 9 Dec)

16 days till Christmas. I found a stack of newspaper articles at the door this morning. They were all about different crimes around the world that have been prevented and crime rings that have been broken up and arrested. Sherlock, what’s going on?

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(10:18PM, 14 Dec)

11 days till Christmas. I was doing research on the articles and apparently all the criminals have, at some point, done business with Moriarty. Sherlock?

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(11:39PM, 20 Dec)

5 days till Christmas. Still doing research. I think Mrs Hudson said Mary called about Christmas, but I have been too busy to call back.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(10:32PM, 24 Dec)

It’s Christmas Eve and Mrs Hudson managed to convince me to come out for dinner with her, Mary and Alice. Harry’s got a new girlfriend. I think these articles are turning me into you and the strangest part is I don’t know why I care about them so much. I have practically got them memorised. I haven’t been sleeping much so I haven’t been dreaming about you lately. I really don’t know what to make of that.

 

**To: Sherlock Holmes** <+***********>

(8:14AM, 25 Dec)

Is that Mycroft’s car I can see outside?

 


	2. It's in the subtext

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it is a bit late, but I guess better now than never.

Closing the lid of his laptop and shoving his phone into his pocket, John limped downstairs, pausing only to leave a note for Mrs Hudson, who was at church. Locking the door behind him, he barely glanced at the beautiful woman in front of him.

‘What does Mycroft want?’ John said calmly, not expecting a real answer.

‘Get in the car John,’ she said, not bothering with politeness and John got in, deciding then that he would have to ask Mycroft for some sort of code so he knew it really was Mycroft asking for him and not someone else.

The drive was relatively long and the house he arrived at was rather grand and completely unfamiliar. Of course, John had sort of lost his appreciation of grand houses when Sherlock decided not to bother dressing to go to the palace, so instead he just glanced around and wondered why Mycroft would decide to contact him now and here of all places; though as Sherlock wouldn’t likely be following John, the abandoned warehouse was probably unnecessary.

Shuffling out of the car, John followed the woman inside, her hands typing rapidly on her blackberry, not bothering to look up as she led him through the house and to a closed door. As she walked away, he wondered if he should follow her, before realising that he was probably meant to enter the room and opened the door and walked in. Mycroft was standing at the far side, a small amused smile on his face as he looked at John.

Crossing the room John heard the door close, but ignored it and said, ‘Mycroft, what…’

‘John.’

A cold shiver ran down John’s spine as a smooth voice interrupted him. He couldn’t move. Everything was…

‘John, turn around. It’s much easier to talk to you when I’m not looking at your back,’ the voice continued and John felt his heart begin to race and he could barely breathe.

‘No, no, no, no, no, it can’t, it’s impossible, no, no…’ John muttered and he heard the person coming closer and distantly noticed Mycroft nod and leave the room.

‘John stop being pedestrian,’ the man said and John swallowed before turning around and faced his miracle.

‘Sherlock, you’re alive?’ John said, his mouth suddenly dry and he stared, eyes soaking in every detail, yet observing nothing.

‘Obviously,’ Sherlock said and rolled his eyes, so he was completely taken unprepared when John’s hand lashed up to punch him in the face.

John shook. Every emotion, every sleepless night, every nightmare, every prayer, every restless day for the last twenty months that had been because he had thought he had lost Sherlock forever and all he got was ‘obviously’. It had nothing to do with the fact Sherlock was practically screaming ‘punch me’. No, nothing at all… ok, maybe a little… or a lot… The thing is he deserved it. On the other hand, the question about the articles suddenly appearing and the question of who had orchestrated everything, a question which he kept getting the wrong answer to, suddenly made a lot of sense and John didn’t care in the slightest.

‘Sherlock do you have any fucking idea of what I have been through since… since…’ John’s voice shook and in that moment he finally found himself hating Sherlock for reducing to this; hated him more than he did for leaving him.

‘Since I faked my death?’ Sherlock supplied, sounding as though he thought he was being helpful, massaging his face and John’s glare intensified. ‘Not good?’ Sherlock said after a moment, confused.

‘No shit Sherlock,’ John spat, before repeating his question, his voice stronger this time. ‘Do you have any idea what I have been through since you decided to make me think you killed yourself?’

‘Yes, I believe I have a fair idea,’ Sherlock said calmly and that stopped John in his tracks.

‘What?’ John said, sitting down, his legs barely able to hold him up by that point and he collapsed into a nearby chair.

‘I am completely aware of how you took my apparent decease, I was rather flattered actually,’ Sherlock said and John could feel his mind overloading with information, not sure how much longer he would be able to continue processing anything.

‘How?’ John said, exhaustion from days of reduced amounts of sleep catching up on him.

‘All those texts and emails I kept receiving,’ Sherlock said as though it should be obvious and it was.

‘But I only sent the texts,’ John said, resting his eyes for a moment.

‘Really John, I could have hacked your email account in my sleep,’ Sherlock scoffed and produced a handful of folded and slightly damaged sheets of paper from his coat and passed them to John, who recognised them as being the emails he had written to Sherlock and from what he could tell they had been read often.

‘How many times did you read these?’ John said incredulously, handing them back to Sherlock whose hand was held out in wait for them. John’s anger had receded now and numbness had begun to set in, leaving him with a distant feeling of relief and he wondered idly if this was what it felt like for a cancer sufferer to find out they are in remission after being given a death sentence; to be in pain for so long that for a while relief is more unbearable than the pain.

‘Enough,’ Sherlock said evasively and actually seemed a little embarrassed. ‘There was no internet connection in some of the places I visited and I wasn’t sure how long you were going to leave them stored.’

John waved it off and said, ‘So I take it you have been staying here for a while?’

‘On and off, yes, Mycroft has been unbearable, truly,’ Sherlock said and John chuckled and the exhaustion from everything finally sunk in.

‘Will you show me to your room then?’ John said, though it wasn’t really a question.

‘Why…?’

‘Not a question Sherlock,’ John said and Sherlock nodded and swept out of the room his coat flaring dramatically in a way that John knew was at least half the reason Sherlock wore the thing, and John was at his heels, _as it should be_ , John thought with a slight smile playing on his lips.

Opening the door Sherlock led him inside and John closed the door behind them.

‘Now what?’ Sherlock said and John ignored him and took off his shoes and jacket, making a small pile on what looked like a very expensive chair and walked over to the bed.

‘Now I go to sleep and when I wake up, you had better be in this room, I don’t care what you do while I’m asleep, but you are not leaving this room,’ John said and pulled back the sheets and sat down on the bed.

Sherlock cleared his throat and John looked up at him a little startled. ‘I do believe you threatened me with a hug in one of your texts,’ Sherlock said and John laughed quietly, surprised that Sherlock was the one to bring it up.

‘Can’t wait until after I sleep?’ John said amused, standing up and Sherlock shook his head. ‘Alright then, come here you.’ Sherlock barely hesitated to cross the space between them and wrap his arms around John’s waist, he face buried in John’s shoulder and John reached up to wrap his arms around Sherlock’s neck and held him tightly. There would be more hugs later, John was sure. Once he gave his mind a chance to catch up, but for now, this was nice.

 

*******

 

About seven hours later found John lying comfortably on the bed, consciousness slowly seeping in, leaving him blanketed by the haze created by sleep. Gradually he realised that he had an arm wrapped around ‘something’, which then turned in ‘someone’. This ‘someone’ was hard and a bit bony, but completely comfortable, so John let it be. Yawning quietly, John’s eyelids fluttered as he prepared to open them and he shifted his head to look up at the person who was kind enough to serve as his pillow. Opening his eyes, he barely managed to prevent himself from jumping as he realised he was lying on top of Sherlock.

Sherlock, as in his friend Sherlock.

Sherlock, as in his friend that he thought was dead for the past twenty months Sherlock.

Forcing himself to calm down, he stared up at his best friends face in wonder, only now recognising the slow rise and fall of the chest beneath his arm and he raised his hand to check for a pulse, needing to know for certain that he was really there. Feeling the thrum against his fingers, John let out a small relieved breath and went to get up, only to find an arm wrapped around his own waist still and he smiled that, for once, was not tainted with guilt.

Sherlock’s face was smooth in sleep and John could tell he had been getting as much sleep as John had, though knowing Sherlock; it was likely to be a lot less and a lot more often.

‘If you would stop staring at me it would be much appreciated,’ Sherlock mumbled, his voice thick with sleep, and his eyes opened slowly, allowing John to see the sparkling blue-green eyes.

‘Like you don’t enjoy being the centre of attention,’ John said grinning and that was it and they were both laughing harder than they had in months and every time their eyes met only sparked another burst. If John noticed the arm around him tightening, he didn’t mention it. ‘I really did miss you Sherlock,’ John said as they were gradually able to catch their breath.

‘I noticed your absence as well,’ Sherlock said and looked offended when John laughed.

‘So you did notice,’ John said grinning. ‘You know I’m not actually attached to you or anything, occasionally I do go out and do things.’

‘It would be better if you didn’t,’ Sherlock muttered and John ignored him.

‘So you actually missed me,’ John said pulling away and this time Sherlock let him go, he did pout a bit though, not that he’d admit it.

‘I didn’t say I missed you, I said I noticed your absence which isn’t the same thing,’ Sherlock said stubbornly.

‘For most people it wouldn’t be, but you’re not most people and for you it’s practically synonymous,’ John said, enjoying the ease he found in just talking to Sherlock again. ‘So whose idea was it for you to come back on Christmas?’

Sherlock scowled and John knew who’s it was before Sherlock even muttered the name.

‘Mycroft.’

‘Really? I would have guessed Molly,’ John said and grinned at Sherlock’s moment of surprise. ‘Of course she knew. Who else would help you to fake your death?’ Turning serious, John stared into Sherlock’s eyes, needing the truth from him.

‘You were right,’ Sherlock said before John could ask the question and scowled.

‘You know you could actually let me ask the question before answering it,’ John said.

‘But that’s boring,’ Sherlock whined and John rolled his eyes.

‘So?’

‘Oh, you want details,’ Sherlock said, his voice changing from whiny to suffering in an instant.

‘Yes, I want answers and not only that, but I deserve answers,’ John said, almost daring Sherlock to contradict him. Sherlock didn’t, all he did was sit up and stare at John for a long moment.

‘Ok then, short answer, Moriarty had three assassins each with a specific target, you, Lestrade and Mrs Hudson. I realised he would have a code to make them stand down, but as you deduced, he shot himself before I could find out,’ Sherlock said in a rush and John could feel the familiar tug of awe that he got whenever Sherlock explained something to him. ‘You also deduced that my fall was a way of saving you and the others. That was the only way of calling off the assassins. If Moriarty hadn’t been so determined for me to fall, I may have actually died, however, I was aware of his preferred method of my death and so was able to plan accordingly. After I was believed to be deceased, I knew that wouldn’t be the end of it and so I have been working together with Mycroft to discover and eliminate anyone and everyone involved with Moriarty…’

‘Wait, wait, wait,’ John interrupted, his glee evident and Sherlock frowned. ‘You mean to say that you and Mycroft worked together voluntarily?’ John’s following laugh blackened Sherlock’s face.

‘Yes and it was every bit as painful as it sounds,’ Sherlock hissed.

‘Then why did you do it?’ John said, laughter lingering in his voice

‘Because I couldn’t leave you in danger,’ Sherlock said his voice gaining speed again with each word, eyes narrow, killing any joy left on John’s face. ‘You are all I have John. Don’t you see? You look at me and say I’m special and wonderful, but I was alone before you and will be alone again without you.’

John laughed, low and humourless. ‘If this deception of yours has shown anything, it’s that I am nothing without you.’ Realising then that the mood was far too bleak when John finally had is greatest wish come true, he added, ‘No seriously, how on Earth do you put up with me?’

‘It’s been difficult,’ Sherlock mused, ‘but apparently you’re the only that can recognise how amazing I am and that I can actually put up with.’

John’s smile returned and a murmured, ‘Sherlock’ was all the warning the detective got before John’s arms were once again wrapped around him.

‘Best Christmas present ever,’ John said and they both laughed.

‘If you think about it though, you’re the one who was saying that you belong to me, not the other way around,’ Sherlock said, quite content to just sit there and be hugged this time.

‘Since when have I ever not belonged to you?’ John said smiling, drawing back a bit to see Sherlock’s face. ‘I mean you have practically had me do whatever it is you wanted since we met.’

‘You are rather good at that, though it does take you an awfully long time for you to do some things,’ Sherlock said.

‘Well that’s because sometimes I’m not there when you…’

A sharp rap on the door cut John off and without waiting for a response, the door opened and Mycroft strolled into the room, only raising an eyebrow at how close John and Sherlock were.

‘And here I was so enjoying pretending that you don’t exist,’ Sherlock said as John scrambled to move away.

‘Evidently,’ Mycroft said and John didn’t like the knowing tone in his voice. Maybe it was just his loyalty to Sherlock, but being around Mycroft never quite sat well with John.

‘What do you want Mycroft?’ Sherlock said impatiently.

‘Only to tell you that dinner will be shortly and that mummy is dying to meet John,’ Mycroft said and identical looks of horror passed over Sherlock’s and John’s faces. ‘See you downstairs in twenty minutes; you know how mummy hates waiting.’ With a positively cheerful smile, Mycroft left and John turned back to Sherlock to see him thinking intensely for a few moments before he leapt of the bed and began gathering his things, shoving John his jacket and shoes on the way past.

‘Sherlock, what are you doing?’ John said, putting his shoes and jacket back on and Sherlock pulled on his shoes and coat.

‘We are leaving and we don’t have a second to lose in doing so,’ Sherlock said, checking that he had everything and gently opened the waved John over, mouthing ‘hurry’.

*******

The cab ride back to Baker Street was mostly quiet, John feeling the full amount of happiness at his friend’s return.

‘I suppose I should probably ask what you were up to in my absence,’ Sherlock said finally breaking the silence. ‘You were rather vague as to your activities, apart missing me of course.’ Sherlock’s tone was smug as he finished and John new he deserved it. He had been a wreck after all.

‘There really isn’t that much to say,’ John admitted. ‘I got a job in a clinic, started dating Mary, lived with Harry for about seven months, moved back to Baker Street at the start of the year and that’s just about it really.’

‘Huh, you were right,’ Sherlock said and John gave him a questioning look, ‘how do I put up with your level of dull?’ he said in his most teasing voice.

‘I don’t know,’ John said mock seriously, ‘but we have more important things to worry about at the moment.’

‘Like what?’ Sherlock said, leaning back in the chair.

‘Like how we are going to tell Mrs Hudson you’re alive without giving her a heart attack?’ John joked, but it fell flat at Sherlock’s smirk.

‘’We?’ No, I was going to leave it all up to you,’ Sherlock said, laughing as John growled.

‘Why me? If you don’t remember, you’re the one she thinks is dead,’ John argued, but he knew he was losing.

‘But you’re better at this people thing than I am,’ Sherlock said and then looked horrified at what he said. They had arrived anyway and John paid the fare and the hopped out.

As it turned out though, they didn’t need to bother with telling Mrs Hudson as she burst through the door a second later.

‘John where have you…’ The yell died on her lips as she caught sight of the man behind him. ‘…Sherlock?’ She whispered and collapsed in a faint, only barely caught by Mary, who stood there confused.

‘John, what’s going on?’ Mary said, before she turned to Sherlock and said, ‘Oh, hello again.’

John’s brain died. Rebooted and tried to process that piece of information again.

‘Wait, you two have met?’ John said, looking back and forth between the two.

‘John, Mrs Hudson,’ Sherlock reminded him and John pushed that thought aside for a moment and helped Sherlock to bring her inside.

 

*******

 

When Mrs Hudson was on the couch with her legs propped up, John rounded on the two again. Mary looked horribly guilty and Sherlock looked… Like he wasn’t paying attention.

‘How and when did you two meet?’ John said, trying to stay calm.

Mary seemed to have decided to go first, and she drew in a deep breath to steady herself. ‘Well John, you know how I told you my father died when I was younger?’ John just nodded. ‘Well there was more to it than that and Sherlock agreed to help me find out what was going on.’

‘A rather fascinating case on the surface, but child’s play once a few details were cleared,’ Sherlock said dismissively. ‘You would have loved it.’

‘I’m sure I would have,’ John said, knowing he would have to wait for another time for the details from Mary.

‘Anyway, when I asked how I could repay him for helping me, he only asked that I meet you,’ Mary said, looking alarmed when John’s frown grew.

‘Wait, so you’re…’

‘No! No John. It was nothing like that. Is nothing like that,’ Mary said alarmed and looking like she was only barely managing to stay in her seat. ‘He only asked me to meet you. He didn’t… I didn’t think that anything would come of it and then I met you and you were so wonderful…’

‘Oh please,’ Sherlock mumbled.

‘…I didn’t expect that and I really hope that you believe me, because I mean it,’ Mary said and John felt his face soften.

‘Ok then, well in case you didn’t know this is the flatmate I was telling you about,’ John said and was surprised to see Mary’s eyes widen in shock. ‘Wait, you didn’t know he was Sherlock?’

‘Alias John; a name like mine tends to stick out,’ Sherlock said absently, walking over to where his violin still rested on the chair where he had left it many months earlier.

‘But you said he died,’ Mary said confused.

‘I thought so too, until this morning,’ John said, a small smile creeping onto his face unbidden as the first few notes were plucked. ‘As it turned out that he only faked it.’

‘How do you fake jumping off a building?’ Mary said incredulously.

‘Wouldn’t you like to know,’ Sherlock said mysteriously and drew his bow across the strings and for a few moments, John and Mary simply listened to Sherlock play.

‘Sherlock…?’ Mrs Hudson called out, sounding quite terrified and the music cut off abruptly, the violin swiftly placed on a chair and Sherlock knelt at her side. To John’s surprise, Sherlock gently took a hand in both of his.

‘But you… but you died…’ Mrs Hudson stammered, sitting up and on the verge of tears.

‘A necessary deception in order for John and yourself to be safe,’ Sherlock said quietly, letting go of Mrs Hudson just in time for her to fling herself at him, bawling her eyes out.

‘Oh Sherlock… Sherlock… My boys back together again… Oh, this is the best present you have ever given me…’ Mrs Hudson said and Sherlock turned his head to meet John’s eyes and mouthed, ‘help’. John just laughed and shook his head and was rewarded with a mouthed, ‘sadist’. Shaking his head again John pointed to himself and mouthed ‘masochist’ and then back at Sherlock and mouthed ‘sadist’.

When it became clear that Mrs Hudson wouldn’t be moving any time soon, John finally walked over and placed his hand on her shoulder.

‘Mrs Hudson? How about you go and have a lie down for a bit, ok?’ John said gently and she nodded with a final sniffle and let Sherlock go, who immediately raced back to the safety of his chair.

When she was gone, Mary seemed to perk up again and said, ‘You are very lucky to have so many people who care about you Sherlock.’

‘Yes, I am,’ Sherlock said and John was surprised to find Sherlock watching him. ‘Very lucky indeed.’

‘So, John said that you can tell everything about a person just by looking at them,’ Mary said and John didn’t like the way she phrased it; she wouldn’t actually…

‘Yes, though it’s possible for me to do that with less,’ Sherlock said, not bothering to hide the size of his ego.

‘Would you be able to read me?’ Mary said, her curiosity outweighing her good sense in John’s opinion.

‘I could, however, I believe John is quite annoyed at me as it is and I would rather not test him at the moment,’ Sherlock said and John let out a sigh of relief.

‘He also told me that you are a bit of a show off and will do so at any opportunity,’ Mary persisted and Sherlock gave John a look and he caved.

‘Fine, do whatever you want, I’m not going to listen’ John said and walked towards the kitchen, pausing at the door and looking back at Mary. ‘New Years is at your place this year isn’t it?’

‘Yes, of course it is,’ Mary said confused. ‘We planned for it a month ago.’

‘Just checking. I guess I will see you then,’ John said and looked at Sherlock. ‘Don’t be too hard on her; she doesn’t know what she’s in for.’ With that he walked into the kitchen and began making a cup of coffee.

 

*******

 

The kettle had just boiled and John was pouring the hot water into his and Sherlock’s mugs when he heard the slap and the door slam a few seconds after. Placing the kettle back, he added sugar and stirred it into both cups.

‘You don’t have sugar in your coffee,’ Sherlock said and John swallowed.

‘No, I didn’t,’ John said quietly, passing a mug to Sherlock and took a sip of his own.

‘Oh,’ Sherlock said and John knew that he had worked it out.

‘So…’ John said slowly, not really sure what he was going to say, only that something needed to be said. A glance at the fridge gave him an idea though, ‘I just realised that neither of us have eaten dinner yet, and knowing you, you probably haven’t eaten today either, so is Chinese good?’

‘It’s fine,’ Sherlock and John was surprised to hear the curiosity in his voice.

‘Ok then, I will be back soon,’ John said and grabbed his wallet and keys. ‘If Mrs Hudson comes out while I’m away, tell her that her dinner is in the fridge and she just has to heat it up.’

‘You learnt how to cook?’ Sherlock said, the shock making John laugh.

‘Rather a necessity when you live with Harry,’ John said, and then added, ‘be back soon.’

 

*******

 

Sitting on the couch with Sherlock, eating Chinese as they watched some ridiculous show and listening to him yell at it every minute or so and then later watching as Sherlock exploded into animation again explaining to John all the cases he had been working on in his absence forced John to remember just how Sherlock had so completely drawn John into his life and he was happier than he could ever recall being.

‘So you’re saying they just gave them to you?’ John said, eyes almost watering from laughter. ‘They didn’t ask for ID or anything?’

‘What can I say, I am very convincing,’ Sherlock said and for a moment John was almost sure he had a fond expression on his face.

‘You must be; Jesus Sherlock,’ John said and wiped his eyes.

‘Yes, people do seem to get us confused,’ Sherlock said dryly and John just shook his head in exasperation.

‘You know, I should have had my laptop, or at least something to take notes down, in so I could post some of these in my blog eventually,’ John said and Sherlock cleared his throat, looking a little self conscious… Or it might have been the lighting, John didn’t bother to check.

‘I may have taken the liberty of writing down a few of my cases for you, in your absence,’ Sherlock said and John grinned, already looking forward to reading them, if only to potentially get back at Sherlock for all the cracks he made at his own writing.

‘Wait, in **_my_** absence? You’re the one who left Sherlock,’ John said laughing.

‘Yes, you were absent and therefore it was in **_your_ ** absence not mine,’ Sherlock said, only acknowledging the first half, though he had a small smile. John’s eyes drifted for a moment, he started when he saw the clock.

‘Is it three AM already? We really should be going to bed, after all, we have to bring you back from the dead tomorrow and I’m trying to work out how we should tell everyone,’ John said, only realising then how tired he was, even if he had slept far too much earlier. Rubbing his eyes, he stood up and stretched. ‘Come on Sherlock.’

Walking towards the bathroom to clean his teeth, something felt off, like it had when he went to get dinner earlier and it continued to bug him until Sherlock came over and grabbed his tooth brush too, looking so normal as he squeezed tooth paste onto the brush and began to clean his teeth that it was almost laughable. Waiting till Sherlock had finished, John said goodnight and headed off to his room.

Lying in bed, John suddenly felt wide awake, ears straining for any sound and so he nearly jumped when he heard the door open and looked up to see Sherlock standing there and without pause, Sherlock crossed the room and climbed into bed beside John.

‘Sherlock, this is my…’

‘Go to sleep John,’ Sherlock mumbled and surprisingly, for John at least, that’s exactly what he did.

 

*******

 

As he got so much sleep earlier, John didn’t sleep as long as he usually would and got up only a little bit later than he normally would have. Rolling over, John was once again met with the sight of Sherlock’s sleeping face and Sherlock’s hand, which had reached out to rest on John’s side was now lightly pressed against his stomach. Relief that it really hadn’t been a dream nearly overwhelmed him for a moment and John fought the urge to cover the hand with one of his own. Slipping out of the bed, John headed to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and wash his face.

It was half way through his cup that he realised why Sherlock had stayed with him, though he really should have known earlier. In one of his emails to Sherlock, he had mentioned the reoccurrence of the nightmare he had of Sherlock falling and him being helpless to stop it. Sherlock must have then guessed that John may have the nightmare again and need the reassurance of his presence. Smiling to himself, he was once again surprised when he saw his laptop open and plugged in and an unfamiliar screensaver playing. It was a simple one, just a black screen with three words bouncing around the screen, changing colour with each bounce.

_Good Morning John_

Curious, John walked over to the laptop and moved the mouse to make the screen saver disappear.


	3. The Blogger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the final chapter. I hope you have all enjoyed reading it. This story actually all started because I wanted a story where John punched Sherlock in the face after his sudden return. I was planning to write a series which crossed over with the Avengers, but that never really happened.

__Hello John. If you are reading this, that means I have either succeeded in my task or have perished and Mycroft has delivered this to you and told you of my temporary survival. If the latter, Mycroft will now be making preparations to ensure your continued safety and I trust that you follow his instructions. In either case, this is all the responses I could never send to you to the messages you wrote me (attached below). If the latter I hope they bring you all the comfort your message gave me._ _

* * *

**Subject:** Please come home

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Wed, 13 Jul 2011, 03:24:56

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

 

**Dear Sherlock,**

**To be honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this. I used to hate how you would always borrow my laptop when you were too lazy to use your own and your complete lack of any concept of privacy, but I would give anything for you to do it now. To know that somewhere, somehow you are reading this, if only to tell you how sorry I am. You were my best friend in the world and I let you down…**

**Damn it, I wasn’t meant to be telling you that. I was meant to be telling you about my day and what I have been up to, but it just seems so trivial and pointless. You’d probably think the same if you bothered to listen.**

**I smiled today. I met this woman named Mary Morstan and I smiled and I haven’t stopped feeling guilty since then. We are going out for coffee again tomorrow.**

**I never thought I would miss hearing the violin at 3 o’clock in the morning.**

**Yours sincerely,**

**John Watson**

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: Please come home

****

_Dear John,_

_I am relieved that you have finally stopped accusing me of stealing the thing. As you can now see, I have in fact read your message and I must now inform you that you are being an idiot. You never doubted me, even as I tried my hardest to make you do so, and so if anyone was let down it was you._

_As for the trivial, I don’t find all that much of it at present and would much appreciate all the inane chatter you can manage._

_Thankyou for being my most loyal and truest friend,_

_Your,_

_SH_

* * *

**Subject:** Mary

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Tue, 20 Sep 2011, 01:22:53

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

 

**Dear Sherlock,**

**I am determined to talk about Mary today and I don’t care how boring you think that is. Ok, Mary. Well first I have to say she is lovely. She isn’t extraordinary, but she is pretty and smart. Ok, she isn’t as smart as you, but then again no one ever is. She’s patient and kind and funny. She is pretty much perfect and she doesn’t mind when I’m quiet. In fact she says she’s glad for it. Apparently she lost her father when she was young and never really got over it and I…**

**I miss you. That’s all there is to it. I miss you so much and it’s not getting better. You are still gone and it still hurts and I refuse to go back to that rock in the ground. To read the lie that you won’t ever be coming back. I still don’t know who I am without you. You gave my life so much meaning.**

**Still wishing for my miracle,**

**Yours very sincerely,**

**John Watson**

 

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: Mary

_Dear John,_

_As I have met Miss Morstan on more than one occasion, so I do find your choice in topic to be a dull one at best. Your absence is noted most frequently and I have found myself writing down some of my cases with some regularity. Though I may never live this down, I can only say that you write them far better than I have. Before you there was just the case, followed by long stretches of self destruction. Not that the case isn’t still most important, but you listen to me and stand up for and to me, you put up with all my habits and whims and I still remain important to you and I am grateful for you._

_Thankyou John, for being in my life,_

_Your,_

_SH_

*******

For a long moment, John just sat and looked at the screen, blinking furiously. No, he wasn’t crying. It’s just… Damn he was crying, but it was all his stupid room mates fault; him and his stupid competitiveness. For a moment John tried to imagine reading this after finding out that Sherlock had survived, only to die trying to keep John safe in a manner akin to poking a new bruise, knowing it would hurt, but John’s mind rebelled against the premise of the thought and he was halfway out of the chair before he realised he wanted to check on Sherlock. Sitting down again he resolutely scrolled down and looked at the next email.

*******

**Subject:** Christmas

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Sun, 25 Dec 2011, 22:36:34

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Dear Sherlock,**

**I spent Christmas with Harry, Mary and Mrs Hudson and it was quiet. Mary bought me a CD of violin music, but it was just a dull echo of the vibrancy that you manage to weave into your own. The violin in your hands is better than anything at showing how you’re feeling and don’t you try and deny it. I would even prefer listening to that awful cat screech you play when you’re annoyed than listen to someone else for one second.**

**That’s your plan isn’t it?**

**To make me miss you so much that when you come home I will be so thrilled at seeing you that you are free to do whatever you want without me or Mrs Hudson complaining. Well I don’t call you a genius for nothing so if you would be so kind as to come home now and be our Christmas miracle? It would be much appreciated.**

**Yours very sincerely,**

**John Watson**

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: Christmas

_Dear John,_

_I nearly bought you a Christmas present today. Completely out of character I know. It was a key chain I found in a small shop I stumbled into while on a case and from it’s inscription, it was a souvenir based on you blog. Mycroft teased me merciless about it and I am about to get a plane out of the country just to escape him._

_I look forward to exploiting your promises immensely._

_Your,_

_SH_

* * *

 

**Subject:** Christmas

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Mon, 2 Jan 2012, 02:45:18

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

 

**Dear Sherlock,**

**I was talking to Harry and she asked me if I would find a place of my own again. Apparently as much as she likes having me there and as helpful as I have been in helping her to stay clean, she needs some space of her own and so with that in mind I have now returned to 221B Baker Street. I would like to say this will be just a temporary thing, that I will stay until I find something better, but Mrs Hudson is so happy for me to be back and it is such a relief to be able to talk to someone who knew you like I did, who still misses you, that I haven’t actually been looking too hard for a new place. Mary doesn’t mind at least, as she loves spending time with Mrs Hudson.**

**It’s too quiet.**

**Yours very sincerely,**

**John Watson**

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: At home again

 

_Dear John,_

_It is too quiet. It appears I too have grown used to listening to you do whatever it is you do when I’m busy. I turned on the TV yesterday only to shut it off when I found that it wasn’t the same without you there and that’s the problem. You’re not here and I know it, and it’s because I know it that I can’t pretend that you are. Before I could start talking and know you could be listening. You could look at me and tell me I’m a genius. That I’m amazing and other people have too, but no one means it like you do. These cases seem to be taking far too long and aren’t as fun without you._

_Wretchedly yours,_

_SH_

* * *

**Subject:** One Year

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Sat, 16 Jun 2012, 04:43:12

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

 

**Dear Sherlock,**

**I can’t believe you have been out of my life for one year already. It seems too impossible. I received a card from Molly and an email from Lestrade today, but I haven’t looked at either one. Mary asked about you a month ago. She was curious as to when you… left. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She is truly a Godsend. Maybe she’s my compensation for not getting my other miracle. I still haven’t gone back you know. Because I know that when I do I won’t be able to stop and Mary will leave and she is all that’s holding me together at this point.**

**I saw my therapist a month after you left and I lied to her.**

**I told her you were gone and I will never be able to believe that.**

**I**

**You’re really gone aren’t you?**

**Fuck**

 

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: One Year

_Dear John,_

_To be honest I’m not quite sure how to reply to this. I have never had someone care about me as much as you seem to. It’s good of you. To care I mean. Maybe if I no that won’t work but I could possibly no unless you are a great source of inspiration John. Even when you aren’t here._

_Your,_

_SH_

* * *

**Subject:** Didn’t help

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Wed, 1 Aug 2012, 04:43:12

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

 

**Dear Sherlock,**

**You’d think that me finally telling Mary about you, about how I last saw you, about the wonderful disaster you made of my life, the fact that you managed to be arrogant and superior even while standing in Buckingham Palace in nothing but a sheet that was only barely covering you. You would think that I would have finally accepted you’re gone. You would think that now that I have been living at Baker Street again for nearly six months, that it would stop feeling like I’m living with a ghost and that’s ridiculous because that would mean your dead and now I’m being ridiculous because of course you’re dead. You are dead, ok. I stood there while you passed on your final message and then I saw you die. You died. You’re dead. You’re deceased. You kicked the bucket. You have both feet in the grave that I absolutely refuse to visit. You are gone. I won’t wake up at 3AM because you are playing the violin and can’t sleep. I won’t get kidnapped by your brother because he has decided that he can’t possibly tell you anything and I have to tell you instead. I don’t have to leave in the middle of dates because you want me to pass you the laptop that’s on the other side of the room. I am currently in my longest romantic relationship ever (Mary, eleven months). I don’t have to apologise for cancelling appointments because you are in the middle of a case or because you’re being a dick to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I don’t have to count the hours since you last ate/drank/slept…**

**…and it turns out that you not being in my life is driving me more insane than you ever did whilst in it. I never told you this, but I have had the exact same dream since you… since you died, ok. You are on the roof and I try to do something, anything or I do nothing as I listen to you cry and fuck Sherlock you were crying and then you fall and no matter what I do I can’t stop you and I can’t save you. I was meant to save you. That’s how it works right? Your drive me insane and I keep you from doing stupid things and killing yourself. Like forgetting to eat or building a bomb in the bathroom. I should have saved you and I don’t care if it was impossible. You were the definition of impossible and that never stopped you…**

**Please do the impossible again,**

**Yours forever,**

**John Watson**

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: Didn’t help

 

_My God John, do you realise just how utterly ridiculous you are being. If I couldn’t have found a way out there is no chance that you could have. Mycroft is telling me calm down because according to him I am rushing too much and making errors. I don’t make errors. All I’m doing is_

* * *

**Subject:** Hi again

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Fri, 12 Oct 2012, 01:53:49

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

 

**Dear Sherlock,**

**I really can’t help myself, can I? Well it’s been two months since I last wrote you an email (at least) and… You know how I said that I had been dating Mary for a while… No of course you don’t. You would consider it a waste of space and delete it. Anyway that’s not the point, (See it’s all about you even when you’re not here to make sure of it), the point is that Mrs Hudson asked me today if I think I will marry Mary and I froze and I don’t know why. Despite being called a ‘confirmed bachelor’, I do try to date people with a permanent relationship in mind, but now that I have one that’s relatively healthy and stable, my mind keeps telling me that it’s wrong. That you should be here controlling my life.**

**You always did… You did…**

 

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: Hi again

_Dear John,_

_I eagerly await every single one of your emails, so do not ever apologise for writing. Mycroft is driving me insane. He is being absolutely impossible to work with. SO please, babble on, you are the most interesting thing happening here at the moment, even if you do persist on talking about... what’s her name. Please write soon._

_Your avid reader,_

_SH_

_P.S. You’re right._

* * *

**Subject:** No life is worth yours

**To:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Date:** Tue, 6 Nov 2012, 01:53:49

**From:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**Dear Sherlock,**

**I really am the idiot you accuse me of being, aren’t I? All this time I was wondering if I wasn’t enough, or if I somehow failed you, but that wasn’t it at all. I was enough wasn’t I? I was enough for you to give up your life. That’s why you didn’t come with me to see Mrs Hudson. It wasn’t because you didn’t want to, you couldn’t. I was so wrapped up in missing you that I didn’t even think about why you wouldn’t be there.**

**The day I met you I killed for you.**

**That day you died for me, for your friends.**

**Moriarty was on that roof with you wasn’t he?**

**He was on that roof that day and neither of you made it off alive, not really. I borrowed your luminol to test the roof. I guess who ever cleaned it didn’t think anyone would look any closer.**

**Moriarty was planning to have me, Mrs Hudson and Greg killed if you didn’t do it. Three assassins, three of us; but you managed to outwit him somehow, probably found a way to stop him by getting him to call off the assassins, so he shot himself before you could. Then you with your beautiful brain couldn’t think of a way to stop them and so you**

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** RE: No life is worth yours

_Dear John,_

_I am surprised you deduced Moriarty had shot himself. You will have to tell me exactly how you worked that out. That isn’t the point. You put too high a price on my life, especially considering that your_

* * *

**To:** John H. Watson <thebachelor2541891@hotmail.com>

**From:** Sherlock Holmes <we_miss_you@BakerSt.com>

**Subject:** Your miracle

 

_Dear John,_

_Merry Christmas. Will be seeing you soon, though I never considered myself to be a miracle before. Thank you for writing to me and for missing me._

_I’m glad you don’t hate me,_

_Your,_

_SH_

 

*******

 

When the scroll bar would go down no further, John felt himself sag and raised his arms to rest his head in his hands.

‘Fuck…’ John murmured and turning around his chair, he jumped when he saw Sherlock standing by the door watching him. ‘Jesus, Sherlock, how long have you been standing there?’

‘Good morning John,’ Sherlock said, ignoring the question and threw himself on the couch.

‘So Sherlock,’ John began, Sherlock giving a ‘hm’ to show he was listening. ‘When are you going to tell Lestrade and the others that you’re alive? Because you know you won’t be able to do any cases until you do.’

‘Maybe later,’ Sherlock said and rolled over to face the back of the couch.

 

*******

 

Later ended up being over two and a half weeks later and that was only because John was sick of being unable to go anywhere with Sherlock due to the fact that very few people knew he was still alive. This of course included Mary’s New Years party, though John ended up leaving shortly after midnight, claiming to have a head ache. John did, however, regret the necessity for telling others, since Sherlock, for once, was completely content to be at home doing absolutely nothing and nothing he did.

And it was incredible.

Going to work seemed more a chore than ever and he counted the hours until he could be home again. It wasn’t the same brilliant spark of manic energy that he had while on a case, nor the lethargic apathy he had when he was bored; instead he seemed to radiate content and John… Well he didn’t know quite what to make of it, but it was great while it lasted. So it was with much reluctance from them both that John made the call to Lestrade and invited him over.

*******

**To: Greg Lestrade** <+***********>

(10:35AM, 12 Jan)

Please come to 221B if convenient.

 

**To: Greg Lestrade** <+***********>

(10:35AM, 12 Jan)

If inconvenient come anyway. You’ll want to see this.

 

**To: Greg Lestrade** <+***********>

(10:37AM, 12 Jan)

Oh and by ‘you’, I mean literally just you.

 

*******

 

He had just pressed send a final time when he heard a small knock and the door opened just enough for Mrs Hudson to poke her head inside. Seeing John and Sherlock were both awake, she grinned and came inside with a, ‘good morning boys.’

‘Good morning Mrs Hudson,’ John and Sherlock said and watched as Mrs Hudson went to hover by Sherlock who had his eyes closed. It had become a bit of a habit of hers since Sherlock returned and considering the circumstances, John could hardly blame her.

‘Ahm.’

‘What?’ Sherlock said, slowly opening his eyes and tilted his head to look over at John, who indicated Mrs Hudson with his head. When that only got a confused expression, John motioned a hug and pointed to Mrs Hudson, glad that her back was to him. Sherlock rolled his eyes, but sat up to face Mrs Hudson. For some reason he seemed to think that if he put it off that Mrs Hudson would stop it.

‘Come on, let’s get this over with,’ Sherlock said and raised his arms to her and Mrs Hudson all but ran to them. John had only barely stifled the laugh when Sherlock began to awkwardly pat her on the back after a moment. Fortunately for Sherlock, Mrs Hudson managed to pull herself together more quickly this time and moving the violin, she went and sat in Sherlock’s chair.

‘So John, how is Mary doing?’ Mrs Hudson said and John stifled a groan.

‘She’s fine, we’re going out for dinner tomorrow night,’ John said, trying to ignore the odd look on Sherlock’s face.

‘That’s lovely. Mary is such a nice girl and I was wondering why she hasn’t been over lately,’ Mrs Hudson said, smiling widely and John barely managed to prevent himself from squirming, guilt eating at him. It was at that moment; however, that Lestrade chose to arrive and let out a relieved sigh as he heard a knock. Mrs Hudson stood up immediately to open the door and a few moments later Lestrade came in, his eyes zeroing in on John immediately.

‘John, what’s this all a-’ Lestrade stopped as he caught sight of Sherlock lying on the couch. ‘… Sherlock?’

‘John, hand it over,’ Sherlock said and John sighed and got up to get his wallet and passed a couple of notes to Sherlock.

‘You don’t want to know,’ John said when Lestrade went to speak. 'Trust me.'

‘So Sherlock…’

‘If you continue that sentence with something obvious like, ‘you’re alive’, please note that you’re not the first to have such a fondness for the obvious,’ Sherlock said sitting up.

‘What I was actually going to say was, ‘you’re looking well’,’ Lestrade said defensively and Sherlock scoffed.

‘No you weren’t,’ Sherlock said, before adding, ‘though considering you believed me to be dead, I suppose I am looking well aren’t I?’

‘How long have you been back?’ Lestrade said and John saw Sherlock’s eyes narrow, before his expression became pleased.

‘Eighteen days,’ Sherlock said, before countering with, ‘how long did you suspect I may be alive before you gave up looking for me?’

‘Six months,’ Lestrade said, his expression blank. ‘And if Donovan had her way it would have been longer.’

‘Interesting.’

‘Wait, hold on a moment…’

‘John, you’re repeating yourself,’ Sherlock cut in and John glared.

‘Shut up Sherlock,’ John said, focused on Lestrade now, his expression incredulous. ‘Are you saying that you believed Sherlock was still alive? Even after what I saw and the witnesses?’

‘John, you have to understand, at the time most of us were working under the assumption that Sherlock was ‘Moriarty’ and that he was getting away with an unknown number of crimes,’ Lestrade said in an attempt to be placating. ‘Plus the fact that everyone knows how close you two are and the fact that there were witnesses didn’t change anything either.’ John barely managed to retain his temper and only the knowledge that he would have lied for Sherlock if he had to kept him from behaving irrationally. Lestrade seemed to pick up on John’s volatility and hurried on. ‘Six months later we got a call from higher up to call off the search. Donovan wasn’t happy, but we had our orders.’

‘Lestrade, how could you possibly think after all that time that Sherlock could possibly be killer?’ John said, the question had been gnawing at him since before Sherlock’s fake suicide.

‘I don’t know to be honest,’ Lestrade said after a long moment. ‘Let’s face it Sherlock’s never been popular at the station…’

‘That’s an understatement,’ Sherlock said, flopping back now that it seemed his contribution was unnecessary.

‘…Anyway, the fact is that he can solve more crimes in two hours than we could in a week and that gets a bit tiring after a while, then it began to seem a little unreal, impossible really and then you realise, maybe because it isn’t real,’ Lestrade said as he thought back, John’s eyes unforgiving as they bored into him.  ‘If it helps, we were never able to prove anything.’

‘You don’t get it; Sherlock should never have been a suspect in the first place. He…’

‘John,’ Sherlock said and John shut up.

‘I know that now, but…’ Lestrade paused and looked at John with a guilty expression. ‘John, I want you to know that this absolutely cleared you of any suspicion…’

Lestrade stopped speaking and for a moment John was at a loss as to why, until he looked over at Sherlock, who seemed to have gotten up rather quickly and he… John had never seen him look so angry before.

‘Lestrade, I will give you two instructions and you will follow them down to the letter,’ Sherlock said and John was glad that Sherlock wasn’t talking to him. ‘First, you will go and tell everyone that I am alive and that I have been acting as a consultant with the government on a number of extremely important and incredibly classified matters. You will also note that I will be unavailable for case work for at least two more weeks.’ Greg swallowed, nodding and John wondered again what had pissed Sherlock off so much. ‘Secondly, and this is important so you will do well to remember it,’ Sherlock’s voice was low and poisonous now. ‘You will never again under **_any_** circumstances, invade John’s privacy in such a manner again.’

‘Sherlock, you have to know it wasn’t my idea. Sally…’

John didn’t care what Sally said or did… ‘What do you mean invaded my privacy?’

‘He read your emails and possibly your texts,’ Sherlock said and John was glad he was sitting down.

‘Get out of our house,’ John said quietly, his eyes on the floor.

‘John, I…’

‘I was grieving and you had no right. No right to read them and no right to accuse Sherlock of the things you did. Get out,’ John said, his voice a little stronger. Lestrade just nodded and left, John letting out a long breath when the door shut.

 

*******

 

That night John went and borrowed out some more movies (he was almost becoming a regular at that place) and bought some groceries so he could cook dinner. Sherlock said nothing when John returned and only spoke when John put a movie on to criticise the story or the acting or the costumes. At one point John was certain he was criticising the sister-in-law of the director, but he tried not to think to hard about how that came about. Another thing Sherlock was doing, and John was almost certain he wasn’t being paranoid about this, was watching him. John could almost feel it whenever Sherlock did it and when he did catch him doing it, he always had the same expression on his face; an expression that looked very much like expectation, but Sherlock wasn’t that patient of a person surely. If he wanted John to do or say something, he would just tell him. That’s what he tended to do in any case and so John was caught completely unaware when Sherlock finally ran out of patience.

 

*******

‘Sherlock, I’m just going out for a bit to see Mary,’ John said, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on. Looking over at Sherlock, he seemed to be thinking hard about something and John realised he was probably interrupting and turned to leave the room. He only made it to the door when Sherlock’s voice stopped him.

‘I didn’t think you were the type to cheat, John.’ Sherlock’s voice was so calm that John wondered if he had misheard him and turned back to face him.

‘Excuse me?’

‘You are cheating,’ Sherlock said and John was completely lost.

‘I’m not cheating on Mary,’ John said, taking a guess.

‘No, though it is curious that your mind jumped to having an affair,’ Sherlock said and stood up and moved closer, making John very aware of the height difference.

‘Ok then, how exactly am I cheating?’ John said, feeling the familiar exasperation that only occurred when Sherlock wasn’t making sense, so it was a near constant state for John whenever Sherlock was on a case, or doing an experiment, or showing off… Yes, he knew this state well.

‘You were half right,’ Sherlock said, taking another step closer, ‘though not Mary, me.’

‘Sherlock, we’re not a couple,’ John said half in a daze as he barely managed to repeat the familiar words. He never thought he would have to say that to Sherlock of all people and in his confusion he nearly missed Sherlock’s response.

‘Yes we are.’

‘Sherlock, I’m not gay.’

‘Irrelevant.’ A step closer.

‘I’m dating Mary and have been for a year and a half.’

‘No, she thinks she’s dating you, you were waiting for me.’ One step forward, one step back.

‘So you actually heard that part when I was talking to Irene?’ John said, his mind going blank, he had never questioned their friendship before, not really and he had never been challenged like this, not by Sherlock.

‘Evasion and obviously,’ Sherlock said and John’s breath caught as he half expected Sherlock to move forward. He didn’t.

‘Sherlock, you…’

‘Just say it again, John; it’s not hard,’ Sherlock said and John’s breath caught.

‘You’re…’ Sherlock was brilliant, annoying, stupid, frustrating, mysterious, more than a little insane, good looking, incredible, stubborn and Joh… _Oh._

‘Tell me again that we’re not a couple,’ Sherlock said, but John barely heard him, his mind fixed on something else.

‘ _Your_ Sherlock Holmes,’ John whispered, his eyes finally rising to meet Sherlock’s again. He knew why he wasn’t fighting this as hard as he normally would have been. It was Sherlock and Sherlock was always right, well most of the time and… ‘I have to go out for a bit.’ John’s hands immediately went to his wallet and phone to check they were there, before opening the door and all but running from the apartment.

 

*******

 

John ended up eating out that night and when he returned he was more than a little tipsy. He somehow managed to avoid Sherlock when he came in and snuck into the bathroom to clean his teeth and then into his bedroom, locking the door behind him.

Lying in bed ten minutes later, John felt more wired than he should, considering how much he drank and he listened closely for the sounds of footsteps or talking or anything that would tell him that Sherlock was home.

It could have been forever later (well more like two hours, but time seemed to pass slower when he couldn’t sleep) when he heard the door knob turn and his breath caught, but the door didn’t open and the footsteps went away, John finally letting out the breath when it was quiet again. It seemed that Sherlock had decided to respect his privacy for once as the locked door seemed to have provided enough of a hint.

It was three o’clock on the dot when John heard the sound of the violin coming from the living room. It was a slow wistful tune and John finally found himself drifting off to sleep.

 

*******

 

It took at least a full minute after John woke the next morning to work out exactly what was wrong with the scenario he had woken up in. Then he remembered sneaking home and locking the door and so how it was that he woke to find his head on the now familiar, warm place on Sherlock’s chest, he had no idea. Ok, so he had some idea, but he wasn’t ready to deal with that idea so soon after waking up.

Sitting up on the edge of his bed a short time later, fully dressed and a cup of coffee in hand, he studied his sleeping roommate and for the first time, admitted he may have a problem.

‘Good morning John,’ Sherlock said, his eyes opening a fraction to look up at him. He looked completely relaxed and vulnerable, making it  difficult for John to even remember that he was annoyed, much less actually bring it up. _Fuck._ He really did have a problem.

‘I seem to remember locking the door last night,’ John said raising an eyebrow and trying to stop the flow of swears running through his mind. It seemed his battle training was good for something other than preventing himself from getting killed.

‘Did you? I didn’t notice,’ Sherlock said and stretched, body arching and letting out a sound of satisfaction.

‘No, of course you didn’t,’ John said, standing up, empty cup in hand. ‘I have to go out soon and don’t you even think about following me.’

‘That was fast,’ Sherlock said, getting up too and following John out.

‘What was?’ John said, though he had a fair idea as to what Sherlock meant, possibly because he knew what he was thinking and Sherlock had that annoying ability to read his mind.

‘Your decision to terminate your relationship with Mary,’ Sherlock said, even though he most likely knew that John knew what he meant. ‘I actually thought it would take longer to convince you.’

‘What can I say…’ John started, but then stopped when suspicion grew in his mind. ‘That’s why you are taking so much time off, isn’t it?’

‘That may have had something to do with it,’ Sherlock admitted, crossing his arms, making John once again aware of his bare chest. His attention to that detail didn’t last long, as his mind leapt to another deduction.

‘I take it you would also like me to quit my job?’ John said, trying to sound at ease and felt a dark sense of victory at Sherlock’s look of pleasant surprise.

‘Excellent suggestion John,’ Sherlock said smiling, ‘it’s very inconvenient when I need to reach you for a case only to find your not there.’

‘No,’ John said, voice hard. ‘Sherlock, if the last twenty months have taught me anything, it’s that I need to find a life outside of you, because next time it may be permanent and I can’t go through that again.’

‘John,’ Sherlock moaned in frustration.

‘Another thing,’ John said, his voice getting louder, anger tinging it. ‘You say we’re a couple, and maybe looking at us, we certainly act like it half the time…’ Sherlock cleared his throat ‘…Ok, most of the time, but the way you treat me is like I’m an extra arm or something. Sherlock, you have never shown interest in anyone that way before, except maybe for Irene…’ Sherlock snorted looking amused, but John continued. ‘… And even if we decide to label ourselves as a ‘couple’ I doubt anything will change anyway. In fact I am almost convinced this is just another ploy to try and keep me with you so I can fetch you phone out of your pocket or something.’

‘Are you done?’ Sherlock said, watching John patiently.

Feeling his bad mood evaporate to leave a sort of vague depression, John heaved a breath and said, ‘yeah.’ This didn’t stop his heart from jumping when Sherlock fixed him with a look of intense focus.

‘John, you are more than just an arm, you are **_my heart_** ,’ Sherlock said and John swallowed. Ok, this is getting very bad, John may actually be finding Sherlock attractive, and… ‘The very heart that Moriarty threatened to burn and the very heart that keeps me from being just a brain without a conscience.’

‘Sherlock…’ John really had no idea what he was supposed to say, only that he needed to say something. When that idea failed, however, he just crossed the distance between them and took Sherlock into his arms and held him tightly. As he was slowly getting used to hugs, Sherlock barely hesitated in returning it. What did surprise John, though, was when Sherlock dipped his head to press a kiss to John’s forehead and a heavy blush lit up John’s face.

Pulling back, John tried to get a hold of himself and said, ‘Ok then, well then I better go and see Mary…’ The uncertain look on Sherlock’s face cut him off and for a minute or two he just stood there trying to work out what was wrong, Sherlock was never uncertain about anything.

Ever.

Another minute and it finally clicked and he mouthed a small ‘oh’ in surprise.

‘Sherlock, you do realise you’re being ridiculous right now in doubting yourself? I mean, you’re pretty much my everything and I allow you to practically control my entire life.’ Seeing the tension disappear, John grabbed his phone to send Mary a text to let her know he was coming over and nodded at Sherlock, not really sure what he was supposed to do at that point and left. Passing Mrs Hudson, he told her good morning and squared his shoulders, preparing to do something he hadn’t really ever had to do (which considering his record was rather remarkable); for the first time, he had to be the one to initiate a break up.

 

*******

 

The walk over to Mary’s house would have had to have been one of the quickest journeys John had ever been on and by the time he was standing at her door he really had no idea exactly what he was going to say to her. Hoping he would have better luck when he was actually talking to her, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. Unlike the amount of time it took for him to actually get there, the wait for the door to open was one of the longest he could ever remember. Probably because he knew he had run out of time and he was about to hurt a very good person, for a very bad reason.

Mary did eventually open the door and for a moment John fought to keep his jaw from dropping. Just how had he not have noticed just how beautiful Mary was before that moment. She wasn’t dressed up special or anything and he vaguely recalled her saying it was her favourite outfit for wearing around the house. She didn’t have make-up on either and her dark hair was held up loosely.

‘You look… beautiful,’ John said, his voice catching a bit. He really was a terrible person and deserved every suffering he got for hurting a person as amazing as Mary.

‘Thank you,’ Mary said with a small smile, blue eyes shining and John wondered how it was that they had ever got together in the first place. Stepping aside, Mary said, ‘Please come in.’

‘Uh, ok,’ John said and shuffles in past her and they head to the lounge room, which is barely large enough to fit a couch and a TV. The fact that Mary rarely has many visitors means that this couch doesn’t have to be particularly large either and it’s really not and adds a whole new level of awkward to John’s fragile confidence. Sitting down, he waited but it seemed Mary had other ideas and returned a moment later with a chair from the kitchen.

Sitting down across from him, he saw the mask he didn’t realise she was wearing, fracture and in a shaking voice she said, ‘I know why you’re here.’

‘Oh Jesus,’ John said, his head falling into his hands. If he wasn’t so used to people just _knowing_ , then he probably would have needed her to clarify that a bit, but…

‘I want to be better than this,’ Mary said, almost stammering now. ‘I want so much to be happy for you and I just can’t.’ Neither could look at the other then and John could feel his heart pounding. ‘Part of me wishes he stayed gone, but then I think that if all he had to do was waltz back into your life and you would race back to him… I deserve better.’ She lifted her head up, her eyes meeting his and he could see her chin trembling. ‘I know I deserve better, but I want you John. I love you and I can’t be ok with this. I don’t know if I want to be.’

‘Your right,’ John said, after a long moment; needing time to pull himself together. ‘You do deserve better. Every girlfriend I have had, pretty much since I returned from the war, has deserved better and I want you to have it. I also know that I can’t possibly expect for you to be ok with this and I won’t. Sherlock will always be an insane, selfish, lazy, ass and it looks like I’m stupid enough to cater myself to it and that’s not fair on anyone.’ Mary looked a surprised at the description and John nearly laughed. ‘It’s actually sort of why I was given the name, ‘the bachelor’. The worse part is that I could never actually tell if he was intentionally trying to sabotage my dates or not; so I never knew whether to call him a self-centred git, or a lazy bastard.’

‘But you…’ Mary seemed lost for words, but John knew what she wanted to say.

‘I do. God help me, I do,’ John said trying not to sound wistful. ‘But that doesn’t mean I have even the slightest idea about what we’re going to try and do, only that I want him in my life… and I think he wants me in his. You never really can tell with him.’

‘Do you actually think he would just spend all his time with someone he didn’t want to be with?’ Mary said and John let out a startled laugh.

‘No, I suppose not,’ John said and stood up, waiting as Mary did the same. He knew very well that she was just putting on a brave face for him and it would fall apart once he was gone and while his ego preened at the attention, the rest of him felt like absolute dirt. He also knew that she wouldn’t want him to see anymore of it splinter and so he said, ‘so I suppose this is goodbye.’

‘Yeah, it is,’ Mary said and for a moment John wished he could be enough for her; that he could allow himself to be enough for her, but that would be wrong and so he followed her out of the house; knowing, even as he saw her face, probably, for the last time, that he would always remember it, loving and sad and ever so strong.

‘Goodbye John.’

‘Goodbye Mary.’

And the door closed, leaving John to stare at it for a minute or two, before heading home to Sherlock.

 

***

 

The walk home was quiet and empty, or that could have been just John. He knew what he was giving up in trying to work out this, whatever it was with Sherlock, just as he knew it would, most likely, be completely worth it. At least he hoped it would be.

Violin music greeted him as he walked through the doorway and he trudged up the stairs, nearly running into Mrs Hudson.

‘John you’re…’

‘Not now Mrs Hudson,’ John said quietly and moved past her and opened the door into the living room, spotting Sherlock straight away, by the window and John flopped into the nearest chair and closed his eyes, listening.

‘You want to talk about it?’ Sherlock said, pausing and John gave a weak smile.

‘Not really.’

‘Ok,’ Sherlock said returning to the violin and it was good. It was home and there was no where else John wanted to be. Another pause. ‘Now about your job…’

‘Shut up Sherlock,’ John said, smile growing as Sherlock let out an annoyed huff. All to soon John knew he would have to think about those sort of details again when Sherlock started taking cases, but he had faced two hurdles that day and it was barely lunch time, he deserved a break.

A small beep made John jump and he reached in to grab his phone.

*******

**Received From: Unknown**

(12:45PM, 25 Jan)

Might we now be receiving the happy announcement?

 

 

*******

 

John’s fingers were already moving across the keys before Sherlock even chimed in their response.

 

*******

 

**To: Unknown**

(12:46PM, 12 Jan)

Bugger off Mycroft.

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you know, this is finished, but I am in the middle of watching Doctor Who and well... I have been kind of reformatting this as I go so, at the latest the rest should be up tomorrow.... Probably.


End file.
